had an insight today while praying the Rosary and reflecting on the mystery of the scourging at the pillar.
i started to see myself in the role of the guy whipping Jesus, and realized that I am the cause of His pain and that He feels it every time I sin. He is directly affected by my evil & depraved thoughts and actions. the pain of rejection is felt by Him whenever I commit evil, which is the invention of man. I am a pathetic and useless sinning piece of shit and I deserve to be the one getting scourged. Yet Jesus has taken my abuse and carried the burden for me, while I continue to add to it and remain ungrateful. huh
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on another note. it has been a difficult and constant struggle for me to forgive certain people who have inflicted trauma on me and caused me massive amounts of suffering. i've found that the only reliable method of getting out of this feeling of anger/hatred and desire for revenge is to reflect on my own sins against people and all of the hurt and pain I have caused. i almost never take time to dwell on this because i'm too busy obsessing over the people who have wronged me. "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" perfectly encapsulates this wisdom and I say it to myself many times a day and it helps immensely with letting go of anger.